If Suri’s getting a pony for Christmas, why can’t I?
Suri Cruise is going to get a pony for Christmas. Because she asked for one.
Today I read that Suri Cruise herself, five year old daughter to Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, wants a pony for Christmas. Apparently her full wish list is worth about $130,000 in goodies that she’d like, also including a pair of diamond earrings and a fairy princess dress (courtesy of Newser.com, http://bit.ly/uCMhav). Not too far off the norm I suppose, considering that lots of little girls love fairies, princesses and shiny things. What ISN’T normal however is that this little girl will most likely get all of those items and on the day she wants them. But do you blame her parents for giving them to her because they can? I don’t, I’m just as jealous as the runner up in a beauty pageant.
Yes, I’m jealous of a five year old. Because well, first off, she’s five. And being five was awesome. When I was five I proudly declared I wanted to be a professional mirror polisher when I grew up and no one told me it was a pipe dream and I should go to law school instead. They told me I was pretty and that all my dreams could come true. I had recently stopped pooping myself, got to bring stupid shit into Show & Tell and no one would dare tell me that my drawing of a porcupine was wrong. It was in fact PERFECT. Because I was five. My porcupine had bubbles and fairy wings all over it instead of spikes, but it was PERFECT. Because when you’re five, you’re told you’re amazing for quoting catch phrases you’ve heard adults say, and you’re still small and cute and funny when you’re being a brat. In Suri’s case, she’s also child to one of the oddest pairings in the celebrity world, has been wearing heels since she was three, and based on the looks of her parents she’ll probably end up being average height, thin and a decent actor with the ability to cry on command.
So yeah, I think it’s fair to be jealous of her. She’s getting a PONY. When I was five, I got things like a Teddy Ruxpin for Hannukah. A stuffed, talking bear, that taught me lessons and told me stories and cost about $35.00. Suri wants an actual pony, a live Equus ferus caballus that requires food, water, a barn and thousands of dollars annually to exist. But you know what, I loved ponies too when I was little. I owned several “My Littles” in fact. Those cost about $9.95 each and were made of plastic and had designs on the sides of their asses to tell me whether they liked ice cream or cupcakes and they made me sublimely happy, especially in the tub. But the fact is, Suri getting a pony is like wishing you were a twin as a child and your parents saying “Okay! Well if that’s what you want!” and having you spit onto a petri dish, taking it to a lab and having elite scientists GROW YOU a twin brother or sister.
But you know what, that’s not her fault! And after all, it’s the holidays, a time for giving and acceptance and love. So here I go:
Though I am jealous of you for being five and getting a pony for Christmas, I wish you the best in your life and to not become a drug addict, sex fiend and overall screw up when you grow up. And I bet your drawings of porcupines are perfect.